Sawyer's Story

On May 5th, 2011 our family was stricken with tragedy when our 3 month old son, Sawyer, passed away in the middle of the night.  That evening God began to do a work in my wife's heart, and she started to write out Sawyer's story.  She felt strongly about what God was telling her, and she knew it would make an impact on other's lives as well.  I want to share with you the words God gave my wife in the days to follow.  My wife is not normally one to stand in front of a crowd and speak, but on the day of our son's memorial service, these were the words God gave my wife:

"I need to share this because it was not in vain that his life was short! Please I beg you if there is a question of Gods love for you or His absolute Grace in the moment of need take heart!!! If this broken mother can stand before a crowd and speak these words know that ALL THINGS are possible through Christ! 

I want to tell you the story of my Sawyer Gray. When I found out that we were expecting our fourth child I want to be honest and say the news was not greeted with much enthusiasm. Besides the fact that four children is an overwhelming responsibility, my last two were born very prematurely. But surprise. God was again blessing us with round 4. I rolled up my sleeves and decided to go to battle for this one. He was not going to suffer for weeks in a hospital like his brothers and my family was not going to endure that pain again. It was a struggle and many of you here today prayed for him and I thank you for that. One week shy of 33 I went into labor. I started praying, and praying then listening. I made God a promise that night that if he gave me this baby healthy and ready for this world then I would give him back to Him. Now at the time you understand I thought I would raise a Godly man, someone who would do great things for the kingdom of Christ. Or some missionary who never got to come home to me for Christmas. I was willing to bargain for those things. I was willing to sacrifice for those. Sawyer was born on January 8th, his brother's second birthday. He was perfect, healthy, fearfully and wonderfully made. Gods promise fulfilled.....

I did not know then that he would want him back so soon. But I do not regret the the promise I made that night! Because he might have only lived on this earth 117 days but God is using him to do great things today and will continue to do so in our family. I will never see Sawyer run and play with his brothers. I will never celebrate the day he accepted Christ like my daughter but Philippians 1:6 says,

"Be confident of this , that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus ."

I wanted to end by saying Sawyer Gray Maxwell lived 117 days but His mercy is still new every morning. And His grace will always be sufficient for me. Thank you"



Refuge

A few months ago I wrote some words down on my phone's notepad that were intended for a song, and I really haven't touched them since.  I couldn't quite find anything else to go with the lyrics, so I have just left them on my phone. 

Today, these words seem so much more stronger, more compassionate, and have become a prayer for my family. I can't do anything without my Savior, and I can only have the greatest success, comfort, and peace when I dwell in His shadow. When I live for that intimate moment where God clearly communicates His purpose, His clarity, and His wisdom into my life.  From this moment forward, this is my battle cry, this is my prayer, this is my creed.  This, this is what I have began to cling to in the past few days to find comfort in my Savior, as we mourn the loss of our little Sawyer.  During these moments I have found strength dwelling in His shadow.

"I wanna be obsessed with Your love, consumed in Your glory, and walk daily in the shelter of Your shade. So I give You my heart, I lift my hands as a sign of surrender to You. Let me dwell in this moment, live for this moment where everything is clear and my life is a reflection of You."

Peace

Here are some more words from my wife that she wrote this last Sunday:

Peace is a funny thing as it comes and goes. Moments when God's love is such a tangible thing in your heart your almost to the point of sheer happiness. There are other times when there is none and your body is an empty shell. And you look around as if you've dropped something and only need to pick it up.

Yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life. I put a child in the ground that I had just brought into this world. We had just started getting used to being a family of six. Now we are five. We picked up and left and not sure where we would end up. We made our decision and picked our hotel. On the fourth floor of the parking garage we looked out over the edge just the five of us. Turning to walk away I glanced back into the perfect cloudless blue sky and there was one red balloon floating up. Peace. God knew my heart was aching for the one missing. He showed me He had him. It seemed like a happy balloon.



Compassion

Have you ever had moments where you wonder if people actually notice your efforts? Moments when you begin to doubt yourself, and wonder if you really are making a difference in people's lives? As Christ followers, it is so easy to get wrapped up in this feeling. Church planters especially go through moments where we have poured our heart and soul into planting a church, but struggle to see any tangible results.

The past two weeks my wife and I have received a ton of confirmation that in some way or another. People from our high school days up to present time have began to show compassion towards our family, and do all they can to comfort us in whatever way they feel is appropriate. This was a horrible situation for us to find out, but it was great to receive comfort and affirmation from friends, family, and friends of friends.

In a way, I am really disappointed that it took a moment of tragedy for some people to get out of their comfort zones, and show compassion to others. Don't get me wrong. I am totally grateful and blown away that someone would reach out and give comfort to my family, but why couldn't this have happened a long time ago?

Our purpose in life is to reflect Christ in whatever way possible, and that includes reaching out to those around us. To show love and compassion, to give a shoulder to cry on, a set of ears to listen, but do not wait until they are heart broken and holding on by a thread. Don't ever let them to get even close to asking themselves these questions, "Do they think I am important? Did I really make a difference in their life?".  Act now! Show love. Show compassion. Let your friends and family know today that they mean something, and that they are important to you!



Ten years and Counting

Today marks Kimberly and mine's ten year anniversary. Wow. How time has flown by these past ten years. It seems like just yesterday I was watching this beautiful woman walk down the aisle of a little country church.

Looking back, we have grown up together, laughed together, cried together, and held each other up through some amazing obstacles. No matter how tough the situation, He has brought us through the storm. We have gone through grandparents passing away, losing a father and a son in the blink of an eye, two of our boys were born 5 weeks premature, and that doesn't even include the regular stress of bringing two opposite personality people and living life together through a marriage. Yet we have made it. God brought us through it all even when it seemed like all hope was lost. Kimberly and I both feel that we have gone through so much together, and at this point we can get through anything.

It is interesting to hear people talk about how our faith has been inspiring during these last few weeks after we lost our son. I guess I don't understand that at all. What else can we cling to during a time of heartache and despair? What else can bring us peace and comfort? There is nothing on this earth that can get us through such a horrible situation. The only answer is to seek refuge and cling to our faith that God is all powerful. He is our comfort, our peace, our refuge. That is how we have made it ten years and counting together. We are seeking God together. We still have horrible moments of breakdown, disappointment, confusion, and we question "Why did this happen?", but it always comes back to God is in control. He still wins on the end, and one day we will be with Him.

Here is to many more years of living life together with an amazing woman.

What are you clinging to?